Tea, Anyone?
by Kyrial Halcoryn
Summary: ...or The Reason Why Ulquiorra or L, or Lawliet, or Eraldo, or Ryuuzaki, or... Joined The Espada. Ulquiorra is L! Gin actually opens his eyes in surprise, Aizen loses, tea is served, Starrk can't be bothered, and Grimmjow is pissy. Oneshot.


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Tea, Anyone? or The Reason Why Ulquiorra (or L, or Lawliet, or Eraldo, or Ryuuzaki, or...) Joined The Espada.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Death Note. I do not own Bleach (apart from the stuff currently sitting in my bathroom. That doesn't count.)

**Inspiration: **Too much sugar. _Waaay_ too much sugar. We're talking L-style quantities here.

**Side Note: **Will be companion to my DN/Bleach crossover, Ulquiorra (when it gets published). This will make more sense then. Until that, spoilers are that L is Ulquiorra, who ended up chained to Light Yagami after his untimely death. (There's more to this story! It's called Ulquiorra, and is now partly posted. Go read!)

**Warning: **I never write anything serious on sugar. This will be crack. Mainly.

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I stared at the shinigami in front of me. Three of them, one wearing sunglasses with his eyes shut, and therefore 85% likely to be blind, another one with his eyes shut, smiling, and then there was the one with normal non-tinted lenses who was actually speaking to me, also smiling.

"Will you accept my offer?"

Didn't these people know it was foolish to talk to a Vasto Lorde with your eyes shut?

"Well?"

_Follow these people in return for power? On one hand... I'm bored. There's nothing much to do here. On the other hand... the other hand is empty right now. Forget that. And I'm hungry. Hollows taste disgustingly bitter._

"On two conditions," I replied.

"What conditions?" Glasses asked warily.

I named them.

Smiley-closed-eyes guy actually opened his eyes in surprise. I noted that they were in fact red, as Glasses raised an eyebrow in surprise. Blind Guy remained impassive.

"You're _sure?_" he asked.

"Does this look like my joking face?"

"No." He paused, and looked at me appraisingly. "I think it's entirely possible you don't _have_ a joking face."

"Can you satisfy that request?"

Glasses stared for a second, then smiled again. "Of course... I'm sorry, what's your name?"

I considered this for a second. I have had enough names over the course of just over twenty-one years to last several lifetimes for most spirits, so I picked one at random, a _nom de plume_ I had used a while ago in my youth whilst publishing work in German on the continent. _Continent._ Isn't that a strange word?

"Ulquiorra Schieffer. And you would be..."

"Aizen Sosuke. My friends are Ichimaru Gin and Tousen Kaname."

I inclined my head. "Very well."

And thus I became the youngest member of the Espada. _La cuarta._

* * *

"He's very..._ strange_, isn't he?" Aizen said, watching the newest member of his little 'family' slide down a marble corridor in Las Noches in white socks.

Gin snorted. "That's one way of lookin' at it." He turned to face Aizen properly, as his eyes narrowed even more than usual (if that was even possible). "You're not seriously gonna think of doing that, right? I mean, lettin' him down to the livin' world, fine, but..."

"It's an excellent idea, after all. Besides, it isn't as if he was asking for something _major._" Aizen smiled slightly. "I believe he will be a great asset to us. Innovative."

"They'll hate him for that, y'know. 'Specially Grimmy."

Aizen shrugged. "Well, we could all use a little competition from time to time, couldn't we?"

* * *

Grimmjow glared at the female arrancar, who was currently waiting nervously for acknowledgement. "Yes?" he growled.

She coughed nervously. "Aizen-sama wishes for you to join him."

"He couldn't just tell you what he wants?" he grumbled.

"Uh... he _did._ He would like you to join him." She shivered slightly in anticipation of what the man's response to her next two words would be. "For... _tea._"

Grimmjow spluttered. "The fu-?!"

"Aizen-sama asked me to also add that this is obligatory for all the Espada." She was now sweating in the presence of the Sixth.

"Tea."

She nodded, shuffling back slightly.

"This one of Gin's stupid things again?"

"I - I don't think so," she stuttered. "Aizen-sama mentioned it was an opportunity for the Espada to meet."

"Fine. Shoo. You've done your job," he said, waving her away with a hand.

She retreated, relieved, as Grimmjow silently cursed the person who had come up with such a damn stupid idea... he swore silently to murder him.

A white blur passed by down the corridor, causing the man to blink, then shake his head. _Losing it._

* * *

Grimmjow finally arrived at the appointed room to see Aizen and the Espada gathered there, including one person he didn't recognise. He also noted that Neliel Tu was missing, and breathed a sigh of relief. _Thank God. She gives me a headache._

Aizen smiled broadly. "It's good of you to join us, Grimmjow." He gestured to the one person that Grimmjow didn't know. "This is the newest Espada, Ulquiorra Schieffer."

He inspected Ulquiorra. The remains of the hollow's mask resembled half of a white bone helmet; bright green eyes, scruffy dark hair with bangs and long tear lines running down his face from his eyes. _Emo _was the first word that sprang to mind to describe the person. Further inspection of reiatsu showed that this particular person was a Vasto Lorde. This culminated in almost immediate dislike for Ulquiorra.

"What happened to Neliel?" he asked bluntly, as he sat down.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed Szayel look slightly uncomfortable as Nnourita shuffled slightly in his seat.

Aizen frowned. "She appears to have vanished. Perhaps she thought she could abandon our cause."

_Yeah, right. More like Szayel and Nnourita bumped her off,_ he thought privately.

"So Ulquiorra's taking her place?" He silently crossed his fingers and hoped for promotion instead. After all, he was willing to bet he was a lot more experienced than that kid over there.

"No, Harribel will be promoted to the Third. Ulquiorra is now the Fourth."

This statement caused Nnourita to fume silently in the corner.

_Damn… _Grimmjow silently promised to defeat the newbie and knock him off his perch as soon as possible.

"Tea, anyone?" Aizen asked, smiling, evidently immune to Nnourita's fury as another female arrancar approached the table with a tray. "I'll leave you to it."

And with that, he left.

* * *

The tray was passed around the table. I noticed some of the Espada ignored it.

"Who came up with this idea?" Grimmjow grumbled.

Glances were exchanged across the table by everyone except for Starrk, who remained leaning back in his chair, his eyes shut.

"I did," I said, as the tray came round to me.

Everybody stared as I chose a cup. Fortunately, there were more than enough sugar cubes available for my drink, I noted, especially since half the table had passed on the drink altogether, which surprised me somewhat. Perhaps they had never seen it before.

"_You?_" Grimmjow yelled. From this, I deduced that there was a probability of approximately 90% that he was already annoyed with me, for some reason. My appearance? Perhaps a phobia of tealeaves or milk? I couldn't imagine anyone who would dislike sugar. Or perhaps it was xenophobia, or hair or eye colour… people could be so prejudiced sometimes.

"Yes." I focused now on adding twelve sugar cubes to my cup, building a small pyramid inside which slowly dissolved into the brown sea; the Sugar empire slowly crumbling against the might of Caffeine.

"I just got up for a damn _tea party_ organised by _you_?" I noted a vein pulsing on his forehead as I stirred. _Blood pressure up, 45% in the next ten seconds._

"I wasn't aware you were sleeping at the time. Besides, Aizen organised it, not me. This was merely one of two conditions of my services."

Starrk made a 'pfft' noise at this, and shut his eyes again.

"…you're insane…" Szayel muttered.

I heard something along the lines of 'like you're one to talk' from one of the other Espada – I wasn't entirely sure which, however.

Grimmjow, however, looked ready to kill at this comment, reaching for his weapon. _98% in ten, then. Oh well. _I prepared myself for an attack.

He lunged at me from across the table. I dodged, managing to save my teacup from destruction at the hand of _Pantera_. Nevertheless, I lost my saucer, which was split in half by the force of his blow.

"That wasn't fair," I said calmly, stepping back from the furious arrancar. "I could have lost my tea." I took advantage of the fact his weapon was now stuck in the table to drink. There wasn't enough sugar – it wasn't quite slushy enough – but it would do for now, until I could get the sugar bowl back.

"Calm down, children," rumbled the voice of Barragan Luisenbarn as the rest of the table's occupants stood warily. Well… other than Starrk.

Grimmjow threw the false god a filthy glance while I replenished my energy levels. He was evidently weighing up the possibilities of Barragan actually protecting me – round about 10%, I estimated, although he probably didn't know that – against his anger.

Anger trumped this time as he yanked the blade out, leaping across the table at me. I mentally awarded him three points for the effort, using sonido to dodge the attack as I sped backwards. Unfortunately, I lost another fifth of a cupful. This was starting to annoy me now, as I glared at the now-depleted contents of my cup, then at Grimmjow.

"You just lost me my tea," I said quietly.

"Why should I give a shit about your damn tea?!"

All of the other Espada were watching now, unsure as to whether to interfere or not.

_Aizen will be very annoyed. His table's ruined, _noted my zanpakutou.

_On the other hand, I lost my tea, _I replied.

_You're willing to fight over tea? _There was a light chuckle.

_They did in Boston._

_Touché._

The caffeine was starting to kick in, as was the sugar.

"You're shaking. He's fucking shaking, and he calls himself one of the Espada?" Grimmjow laughed.

I finished off the remnants of my cup, and placed it on what remained of the table.

"Trash," he spat.

"_Grimmjow,_" Barragan said, softly.

Grimmjow ignored this, instead choosing to make another attempt at attacking. Mucierlago came up in my hand, drawing a lazy circle in the air as I deflected the blow on instinct, then formed a cero. I just meant to make it strong enough to knock him off his feet, but it ended up considerably stronger than I intended. The combination of sugar and caffeine was knocking my senses and making my brain function faster than normal.

It blasted him backwards off his feet and into the corridor. _Oops._

I approached the hole. Grimmjow appeared to be struggling under the rubble of the now ex-wall; there was a considerable possibility that he would continue to attack me if I attempted to remove it. Nevertheless, I decided to do so anyway.

There was a considerable amount of coughing from underneath the rubble, then a hand emerged from it, giving me a two-finger salute. _Maybe not, then._

Starrk rolled his eyes. "Like hell I'm on cleanup duty _this_ time."

* * *

Aizen glared at his subordinate. "Fine. You win." He reached into his pocket and handed over a folded slip of paper.

Gin was smiling even more broadly than usual as he pocketed it. "What're ya gonna do about those two, then?"

Aizen shrugged. "Clear up. Although it may be necessary to make a few… _amendments _to Ulquiorra. I don't really want to have to rebuild Las Noches more than necessary." He paused for a second. "Perhaps I should have a little chat with Szayel after Ulquiorra has finished clearing up…"

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